In case you missed yesterdays post, head over to read Part 1: One in A Million.
Part 2: Bye Bye Baby is a post in the “just me” category. But here is your warning… It’s not an educational posts…. It’s not a professional post. It’s just me….. It may be deep, raw, sad, and almost overwhelming. But there are many things going on within my heart and my head regarding these events I feel I must get off my chest in order to move on.
Surgery was the deciding option… Monday, February 3.
When surgery was first mentioned, I wanted to wait… I had fought these demons before and wasn’t willing to give up so easily. When you have held on to hope for 30 years that one day you will have a baby, it’s not something to let go of easily…
I used my work as the perfect excuse. My husband and I own an autism and behavioral consulting business. We have many clients and school districts that I couldn’t just leave hanging during the middle of the school year. The doctors seemed to understand my point, and were willing to wait until I couldn’t handle the pain anymore. But what they didn’t see was that my real thoughts were less about work and clients and more about knowing this was my last chance. I was trying to buy some extra time for God – he has one last shot to come through for me… I had prayed, believed, hoped, cried, stood on scriptures and even reminded God of what a great mom I would be… Even bargaining with him. But it apparently didn’t matter.
We are three days away and I am not pregnant… It looks like the end is in sight… Something I have dreamed about since childhood, is not going to happen . I couldn’t wait to be pregnant, to start our little family… I had a plan as to how to tell my hubby the news and our families… And it would have been spectacular. But again…… It doesn’t look like its going to happen….. And YES, I am MAD!! Mad because I adore kids!!! MAD cause I like kids better than most adults. MAD cause God didn’t see me fit enough to allow me to have even just one??? I would take a house-full…. But no!!! Why?? What’s so bad about me? I feel like if I really knew why it might make it better….
Then there is the bitterness- or resentment that settles in towards those who have babies they don’t want or don’t take care off…. Yet they still keep having them…. Or what about the ones who leave them in the car seat for 5 days without food, water or diaper change…. How do they deserve a baby???
I then become overwhelmed by the deep seeded issues of womanhood. I am having a total hysterectomy…. They are removing every organ that identifies and entitles me as a woman. So after Monday when all female parts are gone, do I officially become a nobody……. Not real sure how I feel about that….
I already feel guilty for not being able to give my husband a child by me. One that is a perfect mixture of us. A little girl I had imagined and dreamed about for years. With dark curly hair like her mama and big blue eyes like her daddy and a smile that lit up a room….. Just another dream that is crashing down around me…. And then the guilt associated with wanting my own baby when I have Will….. Whom is the light of my life….. But he has nothing of mine….. No it doesn’t matter to me in terms of loving him…. It bothers me in terms that he isn’t really mine and in the back of my head I think someone will take him away from me one day.
It seems my hopes and dreams are dying off (being cut out one by one) how does one handle that? What emotions am I supposed to feel??
My heart aches for a tiny piece of me that I will never have…. My heart longs for the heart beat of the soul I created.
My arms ache from the loneliness.
Although I have step children whom I adore and love as my own; I have just wanted Kris and I to have one together. And in some ways because of Will we do…… But it’s just not the same in some ways.
My prayer for Monday, is that God will provide me with the peace I need to get through the surgery and the feelings that come with it. I then pray, he will begin to fill that void and that loss with something that brings me much joy!!!!
I do not want to dwell on the past…..I want to move forward with my family… But until then….. Bye bye baby bye bye.…. I’m sorry I never knew you. If I had, you would’ve had a great mama and daddy who would have loved and adored you.